I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
