i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
