After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize