youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
