I think my fart just growled at me.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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