does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
