you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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