I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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