mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
last night I used snow as a chaser
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
