hell yes lets make some ravioli
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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