Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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