I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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