a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I don't deserve a penis
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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