the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
