Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
