So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
