im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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