did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
