Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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