the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
