Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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