she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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