"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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