Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
