for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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