every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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