saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize