I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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