On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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