Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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