tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
