I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
