just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
