i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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