Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
