tell your sister to shave her snatch
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
