I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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