i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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