So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
