I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize