So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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