My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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