they need to just BURY HIM!
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
