Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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