You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Ladies don't puke and tell
Randomize
