I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize