If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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