i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
