My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
