I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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