i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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