I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
