I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
