The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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