Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
