My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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