I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Randomize
