I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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