Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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