so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
